I always find it fascinating when certain things trigger memories. Like when I smelled olive oil the first time I started cooking with it. I remembered the smell of the hamburgers in Majorca. They had a very distinct smell that I can now attribute to olive oil.

Military functions always remind me of either my time in the Air Force or my experiences as an Air Force dependent. Lately, I’ve been hung up on how to get the Air Force Commendation Medal that was awarded to me  replaced. I’ve tried once, but since it’s not listed on my DD-214, it pretty much doesn’t exist. I’ve figured the problem to be that it was in the works while I was in the process of being discharged. The actual medal with citation was sent to me back in the states after I was discharged. The real rub is that I’m pretty sure my ex-husband has thrown it away. So much for his pride in military service. You would think since he served 20 years in the Air Force he’d have a little more respect for the award. So for now, it’s just another fleeting memory.

It’s funny too how some of the things (of mine) my ex hung onto have absolutely nothing to do with him. I had a print that my parents took and had mounted for me. It’s of a child’s hand holding a bunch of daisies. The caption below the picture “love…is a gentle thing”. My ex has no idea what (or who) that print represented. The absolute irony of him clinging to that print…

It does beg the question why certain memories are triggered when they are.

I feel like I’m starting to sound like a broken record, pretty much harping on the same things over and over again. It doesn’t seem to matter how many times I tell Megan that if she wants to be able to make decisions like where she lives at, she has be off of daddy’s dime. Her relationship is so fragile with him that it puts her in an even worse position. I’m starting to think that the financial connection she has with him, is the only “real” relationship they have.

For years now Megan has heard us say “my house, my rules” and I’ve tried to get her to understand that also can be “my money, my way”. Since Megan started homeschooling her freshman year in high school her father has paid rent for her. She lived in a fairly nice apartment and then around the time she started her dental assistant program she moved into an even nicer more expensive apartment (still on daddy’s dime). There were discussions of how it would be cheaper to buy a house than to rent, but her father told her it would have to in a county that was about an hour away from where she was going to school. As it got closer to the time for the lease on the apartment to expire, she and her boyfriend went looking at apartments that they could afford. I actually thought was a good idea.

While Megan was going to school (the dental program) she also tried working part time, that didn’t work out because during her four years in home school isolation, she didn’t develop any coping skills. Since I was pregnant with Megan while I was working on my degree, she didn’t get to see what it was like to work full-time and go to college. Daddy threw money at her instead.

Megan struggled through her dental program, she lost interest in it because it became too difficult for her, but she did finish it. I think that was partly due to the fact that her father had to pay for the program whether she finished it or not. When she did finish, she did send out a few resumes and did go on an interview. She was totally unprepared for rejection. She didn’t have any of her certifications from her program yet, felt like it wasn’t her fault. I told her that she should take the positives from that interview and use them. If it had not been for the interviewer telling her that she needed those certification, she never would have known that. So Megan did start the process to get them, that too wasn’t easy. Again, she was totally unprepared for the human element of trying to wade through bureaucratic red tape. It took almost six months, but she finally got certified.

At least during this time frame Megan did start looking for some sort of part time job. She got a job as a cashier at a grocery store. It wasn’t full time and she sure didn’t make enough money to support herself but she was at least able to contribute.

Some where along the line, her lack of coping skills reared it’s ugly head and Megan started getting very depressed. So much so that it started worrying me. I asked Megan to talk to her doctor about it, her doctor referred to a mental health profession but Megan only went for 2 appointments. She gave two reasons, she couldn’t afford the visits and she didn’t like talking to other people about her problems. Megan’s depression got to the point she reminded me of the commercial about “depression hurts”.

The reasons for her depression are complex, when it came time for Megan to move out of “her” apartment, her father had leased a house next to his sister’s house pretty much out in the middle of no where. Now Megan found herself being dotted on by relatives who thought depression and being put on medication for it was just a bunch of whoey. She is even more isolated than before, now she has no internet, no cable TV and can barely get a signal on her cell phone. I don’t have an issue with no cable TV and she has learned to use the library for internet access, I’m worried about the poor cell phone reception. I’m worried about the isolation and how it’s worsening Megan’s depression.

I’m all over the road about this because I’m at a loss as to how to help Megan. I know I can’t help her, she has to help herself. I can keep telling her the same things over and over until I’m blue in the face, but she has to learn much of this on her own. Megan’s depression has caused alarm in both myself and her doctor. I’m concerned that some of the medications that Megan has been put on are causing her suicidal thoughts, many of the medications have warnings about increased thoughts of suicide could be possible in young adults. But since Megan isn’t continuing any type of regular therapy, it is difficult to determine. And I’m very worried that if something were to happen to Megan, I would be blamed for it. It’s not like I can pick up the phone and call her father and say “wake up you jerk, your daughter needs you”. If I could, I would call his girlfriend. Someone needs to know what’s going on with Megan. Like I said her local relatives think it’s all a bunch of whoey.

When Megan moved out to the middle of nowhere, she was at least able to transfer her job at the grocery store to a store near her. Now she is an hour away from her boyfriend and surrounded by relatives who seemed to have forgotten the struggles of being a young adult. Her father’s girlfriend had suggested that she move in with them, that idea has been brushed aside because the boyfriend won’t move away from his family. It would mean moving out of state.

I know I’ve gotten rather long winded, more like screaming into the wind because no one hears me, but there is more to the story. After Megan attended her graduation ceremony June 6, 2009 (almost a year after she finished her program) she seemed re-inspired to find work in the dental field. She started calling places that people suggest she call, many were not hiring, but one was interested in talking to her. I’ve been giving Megan my interview tips and strategies – how to handle questions like “you finished you program a year ago and you are just now trying to find work in the field?” I thought we had covered all the bumps that could come up until she told me Friday that she quit her job at the grocery store. I don’t know how many people have told her, it’s easier to get a job if you have a job. Granted the current economic conditions change that up a bit, but she had a job that she quit. How do you put a positive spin on that? The real kicker is, I’m probably the only person who understands WHY she quit, but that isn’t going to help the consequences. I’m hoping and praying that something positive will come out of this, that she will focus on finding a dental field type job at least until she figures out what she wants to be when she grows up.

But I’m worried, very worried and I feel like it’s better to keep my own fears and worries to myself so not to upset others…

I suppose I shouldn’t obsess about it, but this restraining order “story” has me a bit ticked now. If my ex has been telling my family members that there was some sort of restraining order against my husband, that might explain the uneasy feeling I’ve sensed in the past. This is just one more example of how my ex has not only destroyed my relationship with my other two daughters, but has put himself between my own family. Think it’s time to give my step mother a call. This crap has to stop.

It’s been a while since posted and even longer since I viewed the analytics for the blog. A bizarre comment made today (more later on the comment) got me wondering who’s reading the blog (like I really have much to say). It a way, it’s good to see things have calmed down in a couple of my “hot” states. The down side though, the people who needs to know what’s really going on in Megan’s life are no longer reading my blog.

Anywho, I’m trying to figure out who told my ex that Megan or I had a restraining order against my husband. Shoot, something like would be a matter of public record, real easy to figure out. Wonder who started that lie? Does he even know how many times Megan has come down here to visit? Even funnier, why would I have a restraining order against my own husband? How can you have a restraining order against someone you are living with?

On a sidenote, I had asked Megan if she had given any more thought to moving to Florida. She won’t move because her boyfriend won’t move…

Oh and ps…I don’t like people who say they will do something and then don’t. It’s really not nice to put someone on the spot because you didn’t follow through on something you said you would do. Fortunately, the unintended consequences of your inaction worked out this time. I doubt very seriously the person I am referring to will ever read this, if you do, give me a call sometime, Megan will give you the number.

I haven’t blogged in awhile. I’ve gotten wrapped up in Twitter and Facebook for any type of updates. 140 characters are just snippets or sound bites instead of complete cohesive thoughts. I’ve been busy working and seem to be more worn out at the end of the day. It’s one of those jobs that can mentally exhaust you, but you have nothing physical to show for it. I do have days where I would rather be outside working in the yard.

I’m also very worried about Megan, she is stuck in an awful funk and I don’t know how to help her. I suspect her “funk” is from a number of life situations she is going through. She’s still carrying some of the old baggage from the divorce. More along the lines of her relationship with her sisters and her sister’s lack of relationship with me. I don’t know how to get her to let go of that. God knows if something happens to Megan, her sisters (and her father) will blame me. I know she is really worried about her father and his recently diagnosed diabetes. I’m sure all the surgeries he’s have to undergo to debride the wounds on his foot have her really been freaking out.

Megan’s financial situation has her beyond stressed, it’s adding to her depression (I’ll touch on that later). Even though she completed the Dental Assistant program, she is not working in that field. I don’t think she really wants to either. When she was about half way through the school she wanted to quit, but it’s one of those types of schools that you have to pay for the whole program whether you finish or not so I convinced her to keep going. I just don’t think she has quite figured out what she wants to do in life. I don’t know how to get her exposed to all the options I was exposed to. In high school I had work study programs and a guidance counselor to help. Not that I directly wound up in any of the work study fields (newspaper photographer or key punch operator), it exposed to career opportunities and the work place. Megan had her internship in an Orthodontic practice, she seemed to really like the work, but has yet to find any related job. She feels like she didn’t learn anything from the school she went to, so that could also be contributing to her lack of desire to pursue employment in this field. I worked in retail for a number of years before joining the Air Force, so I can’t say too much against it, yet. I think if Megan would consider the Air Force, she could probably go into he dental field with the training she already has. But I suspect she’s a bit afraid to give up the safety net she has. That fear, I can also relate to

She hurts because she misses that big sister/best buds relationship she remembers she had with her oldest sister. The two of them no longer speak to each other. I still don’t understand the issue with my oldest daughter, other than she seems to think I am lying about something.

Megan is letting her depression about her current situation in life consume her. She has tried to reach out to her middle sister but was chided. Her local relatives don’t have a real grasp on what clinical depression is, so they don’t offer any support. She’s at odds when it comes to trying to talk to her father. It sounds like anything that could possibly upset him is being “filtered” through his girlfriend. I wish I had some way to let “them” know how serious this situation could be. But I’m persona non grata and Megan doesn’t want to do anything that would upset her father.

Adding to Megan’s situation, is a feeling of isolation. She now lives out in the middle of nowhere, because it’s a place her father is leasing. She barely has cell phone coverage. She is lives next to an aunt filled with good intentions. But now she not only feels emotionally isolated, she is physically isolated too. She’s in a viscous cycle, she has to still rely on her father for support, so she still has to walk on eggshells when it comes to anything that is related or involves me. She has no one she can really talk to and seeing a “shrink” is not something she wants to do and she can’t afford it even if she did. Granted, if she wanted to see someone, I would help her pay for it, but she just doesn’t want to talk to a “stranger” about her “stuff”.

I got lectured about “now I will need to be there for Megan more than ever” – I wonder if that same “lecture” was given to her father? The real problem is, I’m not the only one that needs to be there for Megan. First, Megan needs to be there for herself. Then Megan needs to feel like other family members (primarily her father) are emotionally there for her. That’s the real issue Megan is having, she needs to feel like her father is there for her, not just financially, but emotionally. Although, her uncle conveys that her father is proud of her and loves her, she needs to hear it from him. Now she’s afraid to want that from him because she is worried about his health and doesn’t want to do anything to upset that. She’s stuck in that viscous circle she can’t break free from.

I wonder if the idea of her moving to Florida to live there would help. I’m afraid she might feel even more cut off. I’m afraid it would be no better than when she was living with him before. I just don’t know what else I can do, getting her father to be more emotionally supportive would be like trying to get blood from a turnip, but it really needs to happen, soon. I wish I could impress upon him how important that really is. Don’t treat Megan like you did me.